Wednesday, June 25, 2008

in the midst of MYE period

SO I took Chem P3 and Bio P2 today. Shan't do any postulations on my results since the level of disappointment will be proportional to the level of expectations.
I suddenly realised a trend in the duration of my exam time-table. 3 hours of Math P1 on Mon, total of 4 hours of Chem p3 & Bio P2, and a total of 5 hours of CLL P1 and Math P2 coming Friday. After this week, I would have taken 12 hours of exam, equivelant to half a day. And that's not it, there's still next week.

Oh man, I think I am suffering from some sort of "exam-anxiety" syndrome. Even though I made myself to lie on my bed at 11pm, I am somehow unable to travel to my dreamland for hours, and by the time I finally slept, I think the clock is showing 1am or perhaps 2am. Consequently, I only had 3 - 4 hours of sleep instead of 6. [V_V]

Had been watching SHE videos on Crunchyroll. So funny! Oh well, need to take a break after intensive studying and shall continue tomorrow to memorise Chinese and also to practise Math.
Functions, Maclaurin's Series, Area and Volume by Integration and perhaps some Vectors might come out for P2. And I seriously need some logical thinking or I can't do P&C and Probability!

Oh ya, I love my mum!
LOLz....
I'm quite random, at times.

Enough of blogging, I shall go and watch more SHE videos =]

Saturday, June 21, 2008

mid-year exam

MID-YEAR EXAM!

SHIT! I am so scared now.

3-hour MATH P1 on Monday.
Hope that it is really a 3-hour paper for me, and not 1-hour or any less (that is, there are many questions which I dunno how to go about solving them). *Touchwood!

Chem P3 & Bio P2 on Wednesday.
CHEMISTRY - my greatest source of phobia.
If only my tutor could believe in me that I can eventually make it for A level for this subject, then perhaps I can relax myslf a bit and not getting myself too stressed up. If only no one is bugging me to drop any subjects no matter what my mid-year results would be... and have faith in me...
Perhaps some people out there thought that I am obstinate and perhaps, shameless. But I have no time, nor do I want, to care about their perception for me. I'll just have to carry on with my life as usual, along with faith.
Chem tutor has said before that the mid-year exam serves to 'kill' us. Oh man... Nothing being said now will aid in better my grades. I just have to perform my best abilities during exam. I want to pass, and, if possible, get better grades.

BIOLOGY - the subject which I have always been passionate about, and was my most confident subject in sec sch and O level. I want to reverse my JC Bio exam results trend. Oh man... =\

CLL P1 and MATH P2 on Friday.
For this June holiday, I TOTALLY and ABSOLUTELY did not even read my CHINESE LANG & LIT stuff at all! Well, I wanted to devote my time to other subjects actually.

MATH P2 - Hopefully can score for Statistics, provided that the questions are not asked in such a way that I don't know what it wants.

Alright, I know I should be studying instead!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

25th SLC

Just came back from the SLC organised by the 25th SC - their last event working together, as is with any other batch of SC from JSS. Expectedly, sense of nostalgia was stirred up while watching the campers being punished together and yet not forgetting to encourage one another to 'endure!'.

Many seniors from 16th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 22nd, 23rd and 24th SC came back to help out in this camp, though some of them only wish to participate in one special event organised during SLC. But for me, the objective is not for the special event, but rather for the sense of togetherness being in the big family of Student Council, as well as to be a part in the mission of grooming leaders. One can easily notice that in every batch, there are always a few who are very 'on' one who will definitely come back without fail to help out, perhaps this is due to the level of commitment.

Just 4 hours ago, yet another batch of leaders have successfully endured through the test. Congrats to the upcoming 26th SC. At the same time, it just means that I am getting older, just like other seniors who whine about their age difference compared to the campers. Time flies.

Enjoyed myself during my stay in the SLC. Had lots of laughters! Lolz...

Allan Er Jun Yao


Alright, the purpose of blogging right now despite not having my sleep for 29 hours is so that my hair will dry because I just showered. Since my hair is almost dry, and I am almost zonked out, I shall stop and head for bed... ...

Thursday, June 12, 2008

some deep-seated thoughts

Just wanna pen down some of the many deep-seated thoughts that are in my mind these past few days / months / years... (i think i lost count of the period of time already -.-)

When somebody has lost something that is deemed invaluable, it is only 'normal', 'natural' and 'correct' that he/she desires very much for it to be returned back to him/her. Being the descendants of Neanderthals, if you believe in evolution theory that is, it is only natural and logical that you couldn't forget that invaluable 'thing' so easily simply because Homo sapiens do have feelings. When people advised you to 'Forget about it. There's more to life to look forward to', besides being grateful that you have such supportive friends around you, in reality it is actually not easy, or I should just say very difficult, to just 'forget about it'. I think this stems from the fact that humans are not cold-blooded animals, all of us have the ability to feel emotions. Hence unless you belong to the group of total cruel, naive, benumbed or apathetic etc, you wouldn't agree or believe that you could forget something that easily and simply.

The point I'm driving at is that something that have had been able to become one of the most memorable events in your life are hard to completely forget, especially if they are the very first time you got to experience and learn to appreciate the beauty of it. I believe that the first-times are events that will be etched in one's mind the most deeply, perhaps because it is the first time that a particular part of the brain got triggered by the emotions stirred. Since these first-time experiences are so unforgettable, just like indelible marks which have been impressed in one's memory, it is inevitable that one will relate similar experiences he/she meets again with the first-time experience. Very often, one wouldn't want to accept these new similar experiences unless the emotions stimulated are so much 'better' / 'superior' than the first-time experience, so much so that makes them feel that they are fortunate to miss their first-time. Only then would one want to risk to forget their first-time and allow the new experience to gradually occupy their lives fully. Still, some fragments of the first-time memory remain etched in their minds.


Before I met you, I never ever imagine myself how good it would be if I were to be in some relationship. Though I saw lovey-dovey couples before, I never take the trouble to seriously contemplate what exactly is so nice about it. How could somebody suddenly like to be with another person so much when both of them were still strangers beforehand. The process is too complicated for me to illustrate then.
Suddenly, you approached me and talked to me after a lesson when the class was walking down to canteen for recess. I was shocked, since we rarely or never actually talked before. I vaguely remembered that you said I was 'cute', or 'handsome' (lolx.... (",)) and seemed interested in me. At that point of time, I dunno how to react, and so I exhibit my usual humorous way in responding back to you, and you laughed, and I continued my way to canteen with my friend.
Back in class, you approached to my seat and talked to me again. For fear of you liking me, I treated you coldly, since I had always been skeptical about being involved in any relationship then when I still had no idea what that feeling is exactly. You realised that I was beginning to treat you coldly whenever you talked to me, and to resolve the situation and to salvage the friendship, you then told me that you had never thought what I thought you had in mind. At that moment, I was relieved that history wouldn't be happening again like when I was in P4. I just said, "Okay okay" to you, trying to tell you that I knew you didn't have that thought, though I knew very well I was deceiving, and you looked relieved that you didn't cause an end to a friendship and walked back to your seat.
Since that day, we started to talk to each other more often, and it was so frequent that you became the one I talked most with. Somehow, I began to see the first glimpse of light guiding me to the knowledge of being in a relationship. The process itself is indeed complex, which can be attributed to my initial unconceivableness of this subject matter. Problems arose when the fact that each of us has a network of friends, as is with anybody else, and similar feelings may be stirred upon in different individuals concurrently, and these made the matter even more complex. I found myself somehow lost between human-to-human relationship, and found myself floating in the middle of an ocean knowing no knowledge of the right direction I should be heading to. Confused and lack of courage, I stay put in my life. But the rest had been able to find their way out of this complex issue. I admit that jealousy overwhelmed me then but I managed to suppress it from erupting, like I have always been. Still water runs deep. I think I am one, a thinker who is analytical and think deeply about an issue.
Now, things are not exactly the same. Having tried dipping myself in the river of the Lethe, I think the river has failed its power on me, or perhaps I didn't dip myself fully in the river, the first-time trigger is still there somewhere. I have no idea how this is going to end up. I just hope that each of us follows our heart, and not commit to whatever actions hastily which may lead to regrets later in life or find out that perhaps one has acted against the will of destiny. If these were to ever happen, I guess one will feel an extremely unbearable angst.
Having been evolved to an organism with a complex mind, a person may change, in terms of character, mindset or perception, perhaps due to exposure to new events and thus, new experiences. Such thing may happen - that is a person changes, but I doubt the extent is very great. Some things just are unable to be forgotten that effortlessly and decidedly.

I know I have written many. But you know what, this is just a tip of an iceberg. There are many more issues I have thought about. I think that I think alot. lolx...

Maybe I'm more of a writer than being vocal in expressing and conveying my thoughts.

Nonetheless, if anyone of you wanna get to know about me, you may still talk to me. Rest assured that I will try my best in translating my thoughts into the correct words so that you can know what's exactly in my thinking mind. But there's no guarantee that I will be able to succeed though. Sometimes, you may find that I am at a loss of words when you hear me stutter - having difficulty at expressing. Then, for fear of wasting your time waiting for me to say something out, or that your attention span for me is lost, I will just quickly say whatever that comes to my mind in trying to say the exact thoughts I have, which is often not exactly what I wanna say. In such cases, do prompt me with whatever you think that I am trying to say, then I may be able to find the correct words from you, and together with my own words, and tell you the exact things in my mind. Well, if you want, perhaps you can provide a pen and a paper for me to write down instead. hahax...
Of course, I won't just tell any Tom, Dick or Harry about my thoughts. The person would be someone who I could trust, which is the most fundamental, and/or with any other criteria which are left to me to decide and judge, before I would want to share with you my thoughts. So when you see me unwilling to tell you anything personal which you may ask, then there's no point harping on the questions you want to ask.

Seriously, I need to learn the ability to talk out my thoughts. Right now, I am at a big disadvantage in many situations which require talking, and in the future, I am going to screw up my interviews.

Oh well~