Just wanna pen down some of the many deep-seated thoughts that are in my mind these past few days / months / years... (i think i lost count of the period of time already -.-)
When somebody has lost something that is deemed invaluable, it is only 'normal', 'natural' and 'correct' that he/she desires very much for it to be returned back to him/her. Being the descendants of Neanderthals, if you believe in evolution theory that is, it is only natural and logical that you couldn't forget that invaluable 'thing' so easily simply because Homo sapiens do have feelings. When people advised you to 'Forget about it. There's more to life to look forward to', besides being grateful that you have such supportive friends around you, in reality it is actually not easy, or I should just say very difficult, to just 'forget about it'. I think this stems from the fact that humans are not cold-blooded animals, all of us have the ability to feel emotions. Hence unless you belong to the group of total cruel, naive, benumbed or apathetic etc, you wouldn't agree or believe that you could forget something that easily and simply.
The point I'm driving at is that something that have had been able to become one of the most memorable events in your life are hard to completely forget, especially if they are the very first time you got to experience and learn to appreciate the beauty of it. I believe that the first-times are events that will be etched in one's mind the most deeply, perhaps because it is the first time that a particular part of the brain got triggered by the emotions stirred. Since these first-time experiences are so unforgettable, just like indelible marks which have been impressed in one's memory, it is inevitable that one will relate similar experiences he/she meets again with the first-time experience. Very often, one wouldn't want to accept these new similar experiences unless the emotions stimulated are so much 'better' / 'superior' than the first-time experience, so much so that makes them feel that they are fortunate to miss their first-time. Only then would one want to risk to forget their first-time and allow the new experience to gradually occupy their lives fully. Still, some fragments of the first-time memory remain etched in their minds.
Before I met you, I never ever imagine myself how good it would be if I were to be in some relationship. Though I saw lovey-dovey couples before, I never take the trouble to seriously contemplate what exactly is so nice about it. How could somebody suddenly like to be with another person so much when both of them were still strangers beforehand. The process is too complicated for me to illustrate then.
Suddenly, you approached me and talked to me after a lesson when the class was walking down to canteen for recess. I was shocked, since we rarely or never actually talked before. I vaguely remembered that you said I was 'cute', or 'handsome' (lolx.... (",)) and seemed interested in me. At that point of time, I dunno how to react, and so I exhibit my usual humorous way in responding back to you, and you laughed, and I continued my way to canteen with my friend.
Back in class, you approached to my seat and talked to me again. For fear of you liking me, I treated you coldly, since I had always been skeptical about being involved in any relationship then when I still had no idea what that feeling is exactly. You realised that I was beginning to treat you coldly whenever you talked to me, and to resolve the situation and to salvage the friendship, you then told me that you had never thought what I thought you had in mind. At that moment, I was relieved that history wouldn't be happening again like when I was in P4. I just said, "Okay okay" to you, trying to tell you that I knew you didn't have that thought, though I knew very well I was deceiving, and you looked relieved that you didn't cause an end to a friendship and walked back to your seat.
Since that day, we started to talk to each other more often, and it was so frequent that you became the one I talked most with. Somehow, I began to see the first glimpse of light guiding me to the knowledge of being in a relationship. The process itself is indeed complex, which can be attributed to my initial unconceivableness of this subject matter. Problems arose when the fact that each of us has a network of friends, as is with anybody else, and similar feelings may be stirred upon in different individuals concurrently, and these made the matter even more complex. I found myself somehow lost between human-to-human relationship, and found myself floating in the middle of an ocean knowing no knowledge of the right direction I should be heading to. Confused and lack of courage, I stay put in my life. But the rest had been able to find their way out of this complex issue. I admit that jealousy overwhelmed me then but I managed to suppress it from erupting, like I have always been. Still water runs deep. I think I am one, a thinker who is analytical and think deeply about an issue.
Now, things are not exactly the same. Having tried dipping myself in the river of the Lethe, I think the river has failed its power on me, or perhaps I didn't dip myself fully in the river, the first-time trigger is still there somewhere. I have no idea how this is going to end up. I just hope that each of us follows our heart, and not commit to whatever actions hastily which may lead to regrets later in life or find out that perhaps one has acted against the will of destiny. If these were to ever happen, I guess one will feel an extremely unbearable angst.
Having been evolved to an organism with a complex mind, a person may change, in terms of character, mindset or perception, perhaps due to exposure to new events and thus, new experiences. Such thing may happen - that is a person changes, but I doubt the extent is very great. Some things just are unable to be forgotten that effortlessly and decidedly.
I know I have written many. But you know what, this is just a tip of an iceberg. There are many more issues I have thought about. I think that I think alot. lolx...
Maybe I'm more of a writer than being vocal in expressing and conveying my thoughts.
Nonetheless, if anyone of you wanna get to know about me, you may still talk to me. Rest assured that I will try my best in translating my thoughts into the correct words so that you can know what's exactly in my thinking mind. But there's no guarantee that I will be able to succeed though. Sometimes, you may find that I am at a loss of words when you hear me stutter - having difficulty at expressing. Then, for fear of wasting your time waiting for me to say something out, or that your attention span for me is lost, I will just quickly say whatever that comes to my mind in trying to say the exact thoughts I have, which is often not exactly what I wanna say. In such cases, do prompt me with whatever you think that I am trying to say, then I may be able to find the correct words from you, and together with my own words, and tell you the exact things in my mind. Well, if you want, perhaps you can provide a pen and a paper for me to write down instead. hahax...
Of course, I won't just tell any Tom, Dick or Harry about my thoughts. The person would be someone who I could trust, which is the most fundamental, and/or with any other criteria which are left to me to decide and judge, before I would want to share with you my thoughts. So when you see me unwilling to tell you anything personal which you may ask, then there's no point harping on the questions you want to ask.
Seriously, I need to learn the ability to talk out my thoughts. Right now, I am at a big disadvantage in many situations which require talking, and in the future, I am going to screw up my interviews.
Oh well~
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