complexity of life

'Emo'. Many people do emo at times, and i can easily say out few names from my class who emo. and i myself is one of them but i think it is not known to many, if not none. cos i dun show it... I daresay all poets emo very often, evident from the poems and song-cis I study during Literature lessons, when they used metaphors, personification bla bla bla...which we will need to evaluate during tests and exams. v_v" People emo because they feel for something very much, spiritually and emotionally. Sometimes the feeling is so deep and they are so engaged that they even shut themselves off from the external environment and live in a world as if they are the only ones living, too involved in their thoughts to bother about any other things. It may seem foolish. Nonetheless, personally, I feel that it does help us reflect about that 'something', and ask ourselves 'why do I care so much for?', even though many times there will not be any definite answers arrived to one in the end when you are finally back to living in the real world.

There's a void in my heart that need to be filled up so that my life is complete. The feeling is annoying, seriously. And I did spend some time to reflect, many times. And everytime I came to the conclusion that I should act and strive to achieve it lest I regret for my whole life. And I did. I did start to put my thoughts into actions, dropping hints and hope that they could be understood, as well as for me to verify if my conjecure is true, so that I can be confident in making my last, final, most important move to realise my dream. But life is never a smooth-sailing one. There were times that made me feel that my conjecture is true, though, which I felt really delighted. However, there were also times that I felt disappointed due to the fact that the responses I received had not been the way it should be if my conjecture is true. There are contradictions. And I felt that I am stuck, whether should I continue to find out the truth or to give up. There had never been a definite conclusion that I can come to, never.

That makes me think about the complexities of life and us, humans, highly evolved species since millions years ago. Can't life be much simpler? I doubt so. And I think that life can have no upper limit in getting more complex that ever. And this brings my mind to dwell in my childhood when it was so relaxing and carefree, nothing stressful and all that I was supposed to do was to play with my toys, run about the house or the playground, sleep for as long as I wanted to, and this routine repeated itself the following days. Life then was just so beautiful. It was much so simpler then. Everything that you said then was exactly what you want to express. But that was just a facade to real life. Sometimes whatever we say now is never always what that comes out from out hearts. There is the element of pretence in it. And I shan't elaborate as we all know the real image of life. And what makes life so stressful and difficult? I think is humans, the highly evolved species who have unlimited wants, who always want to compete with one another to be the first in everything, who have the pride too great to swallow... ... ...

How ironic! In the end, it is ourselves to be blamed that cause us to land in such a pathetic state of living. And I guess it is the price we have to pay and the sacrifice we have to make for being so highly intelligent relative to other species.

Perhaps the way humans act and behave do not allow us to see through and undestand fully how one is feeling. One may be feeling empty and depressed but he/she shows that he/she has nothing to worry and is feeling happy. Or one may loathe another person but he/she still treats the person nice on the surface, but deep down he/she has the strong feeling of hatred, yet he/she continues to act hypocritically. Of course there are more kinds of such pretentious acts. That's the sad thing of most humans, if not all: not wanting to show the inner true feelings so that everything could be simpler. A consequence of the rat race we are all in?

After my most recent reflection, I thought that me decision should be to give up, and my conjecture has had been a most laughable joke, and that it's time, finally, for me to get myself out of the dream, and to start a brand new life without the need to guess and worry about the thing that has bothered me for quite a long time, and perhaps to start to find a new goal in life. And that the new goal can be anything, can even be something that may ruin my life, as long as it can make me forget about the heartbreaking past, or to bring about regrets when my new kind of life is made known, or simply just to show that I'm still living fine.

Yet, after all the decision-making and the envisagement of the future, I may still unable to give it up. The feeling may rekindle.

But who knows?

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