my studies sux la

my studies totally cannot make it lahx.
failing almost all the tests... so fed up with myself... i'm really tired of failing tests!
i think i've lost almost all my motivation to study, to catch up already.
however, i know that i can't give up yet. or i'll be disappointing the people around me. i don't wish to see their disappointed faces. it will hurt me most.

i did visualise, or rather, seriously think before what will i do if i have to really retain and repeat my year 1. i thought of going to a poly. but somehow or rather i detest the feeling of having to study with a group of people who are younger than me. i'll feel even more demoralised and that i am a failure. moreover, i dun really like to study in a poly also. not that i am prejudice against poly students. but the idea of having to build up your resume for future makes me feel that it is a troublesome chore which i dun like at all. moreover, i dun think i can endure 3 more years of tests / memorisation of facts. i'm tired of it.

i also thought of going straight to NS. at least i can still work for NS and can earn some money, perhaps for the rest of my life... i know it's really a pessimistic thought. but i think i'll left with no choice by then. working in NS at least gives me opportunites to excel in future, rather than ending up with no job in the end~

sometimes i really hate the schools. school papers are always more difficult than Cambridge papers which is a norm, i know. but i still hate the school for setting really difficult questions to assess us. why can't they just follow strictly to the syllabuses and test us accordingly? how am i going to promote to year 2 should i carry on scoring such horrible results?? and i think i am going to. no doubt there are ppl who can handle them very well. but there are ppl like me who is not as smart.

i'm sick of jc life. sometimes i really feel that jc life = no life. i can't imagine how those top notch students can bury themselves in the books for such long hours. i'd rather sleep. seriously i can't be like them. seeing my tests getting grades of D, E, S, U makes me feel disgusting. i never imagine i'm getting such terrible grades. i want to stop getting such grades. but .... sigh.

alright. i think i should stop grumbling and complaining. maybe in the end it's my own problem after all. perhaps my study techniques, my attitude bla bla bla.... June holiday = no holiday anyway. it's time for us to mug for mid-year and research for PW. mid-year result is a good check on our progress. and i can somehow predict my future when i get back my mid-year results...

sigh...i'm getting berserk!